Self-worth and worthiness have come up the past two days. I know I lose my center when it comes to love. I over-give, over-love, lose myself and my values, worth, boundaries when it comes to being loved. Because I want so badly to be loved. I want to find someone who loves me so deeply that it makes all of the bad go away.
But I know this wanting, this longing is what is keeping me from it. Underneath it all, is a belief and a fear that I do not think it is possible. I do not think I am capable of finding such love.
I know at one point in my life I felt I was unloveable. I thought there is not way someone else is capable of loving me. And that’s sad— even now for me to acknowledge. I wish I could back and give that girl who believed she was unloveable a hug and tell her she is not just loveable but she is LOVE. Her being is LOVE. Her essence is LOVE. She is never without it.
I want to let go of this grasping, this insatiable need and want, this deep desire to find someone who loves me. It is the very thing keeping me from it.
When I was living in Hood River, Oregon, I was preparing for a trip to Costa Rica to visit my then boyfriend who lived there. But I had to make a trip to Portland to see a Dr. for a work-related injury. I was nervous about the CR trip. I felt very vulnerable traveling for a guy and there was slight apprehension (paranoia?) that maybe I’d be scammed by him when I went down.
On a rainy morning, I drove the water logged I-84 through the Gorge to get to Portland for the appointment, hydroplaning twice with a windshield opaque from splattered rain drops.
Out of desperation, I prayed that I got to the appointment safely and on the back end of the prayer asked for a sign about Costa Rica. At that point, I was so anxious I was trying to talk myself out of the trip.
I walk into the Dr.’s office, sit on the couch and see a stack of magazines splayed out on the coffee table. I sift through them until I see a rosy-pink and light purple color catch my eye at the bottom of the pile. I pull it out to find this Travel + Leisure magazine with “Costa Rica Destination of the Year Double Issue” on the front cover.
I flipped through the magazine while I waited. I was stunned, giddy and hopeful. Stunned because I couldn’t believe the sign that was in front of me. Giddy because, that was a sure-fire Divine breadcrumb from the universe. Hopeful because I felt the universe was supporting this trip to Costa Rica.
After my appointment with the Dr. I asked if I could take the magazine with me. He obliged. And I used it to help plan my vacation, a little less nervous, a little more excited. But first I had to survive the rainy I-84 corridor back to Hood River.
I’ve kept the magazine ever since, proof of Divine guidance, and as motivation to get to back to Costa Rica because deep down I knew my story in CR was not finished. And this magazine had more Divine breadcrumbs to share. 😉 Follow me so you don’t miss that story!
Have you had a sign from the universe stop you in your tracks, gain your attention, direct you on your path forward?
I love hearing other people’s breadcrumb stories. Drop yours below 👇🏼
Follow me on IG for more updates on my trip/move to Costa Rica: @debajodelsoul
The Adventuress 