“You’re doing whaaaat?”
I still to this day remember the sound of my mom’s voice screeching when I told her my plans for my first Leap. It was the life path course correction that I decided on after reading The Alchemist: quitting my job, moving home for two months, backpacking Australia and then moving to Colorado, my final destination.
My pragmatic mother couldn’t fathom how I could leave a job without having another, how I could go without benefits for multiple months and how I could have such a loose plan strung together to travel instead of putting in the hours working at my steady, safe, 8-4 job as a teacher.
Her reaction wasn’t any different when I broke news to her of this current life transition: move to Oregon for the summer (although I feel it is a permanent move) give up my stable 1 year contract as a graphic design and coding teacher in order to pursue what is in alignment with my highest self. Why did I expect her reaction to be different?
A few days after disclosing my “plan”, she sent me a 7 paragraph email of all the reasons why I shouldn’t be giving up a stable job with benefits, a stable living situation, and a moderately comfortable lifestyle. I called her that night and exclaimed exasperatedly, “why can’t you be my cheerleader instead of being the voice of my self doubt?” After that phone call which ended abruptly, I reflected why my mom and her opinion affected me. Why do I place such high value on her validation?
After talking it over with a friend, I had greater clarity. It’s not necessarily that I place value on her opinion and validation (although I’m sure I do), it is that she is stating all of the things out loud that my protective ego, “Prudence”, (yes, I’ve named her) is playing on repeat in my head; incessantly combating my intuition through every step of my preparation to Leap. My mom and her doubt is my mirror, confronting my limiting beliefs in the flesh.
But, I know a trigger in the flesh is an opportunity for me to practice compassion to the part of myself that believes my mother to be true, that conditioned part of my psyche that believes this Leap won’t work out. This is the inner work I’m confronting during this transition time. It’s a lesson in self-compassion, self-mothering that I’m practicing while I prepare for my Leap.
I still find myself thinking, What am I doing? And to that I reply, “pipe down Prudence!”